Actions and Emotions
by poeticgrace
Summary: Observations amongst Felicity and her circle of friends.
1. Felicity Smiles

Felicity Smiles

There was always this soundtrack that played in Ben's head whenever Felicity smiled, a series of notes that perfectly matched the gentle curve of her lips and sparkle in her pretty eyes. It was this staccato kind of jazz, with a steady little drum line and undeniable trumpet beat. It reminded him of this song that was playing the first time they worked late together at the coffee shop. It's usually the last thing he hears before he goes to sleep.

Her smile was special. It didn't just impact her mouth but her entire being. You could read her happiness in her gaze, a stare so steady and so intense that it could literally hold Ben in waiting for hours. It was his favorite thing in the entire world. It's what made him fall in love with her the first time and kept him falling in love time and time again.

He loves his son. He's probably – no, definitely – the best thing that ever happened to him. And yet, not even that mischievous little smirk can live up to Felicity's smile. That's how much he loves it. It's nice to find a sense of home in such a small gesture. With his dad gone and his mom back in California, he needs that here in New York.

There are times when the shifts at the hospital are long that her smile is the only thing that can bring him comfort. It's the only way he can justify the violence he sees in the emergency room, the wives with their obvious bruises and the teenagers with their track marks. It reminds him that there is good in the world and that maybe his son has a chance to feel safe. It brings him hope when he needs it, and after spending three years at the worst hospital in the poorest part of the city, he has needed it a lot.

But it's not just about the way her smile looks. There is the taste. Her smile definitely has its own taste. It's this mixture of the strawberry chapstick she gets at the holistic pharmacy on Bleecker and the inevitable cup of cinnamon tea she always has with her and sunshine. He isn't sure how anyone can taste like sunshine, but Felicity absolutely tastes like a warm afternoon on the Northern California coast. He thinks this might be his favorite part. It kind of plays into that whole "sense of home" thing.

Her smile also has its own feeling. He doesn't mean the texture of her lips or the shape of her mouth, though both those things make her grin extraordinarily remarkable. No, it's the way it fits with his. The first time he kissed her, _really _kissed her, at the end of their freshman year, it was like two puzzle pieces sliding into place. It never gets old, the way they fit together in a way that's just right. She is the half that completes his whole.


	2. Noel Cries

Noel Cries

He doesn't like for anyone to see him do it, but Julie sees him cry. She finds him sitting on the bottom step outside a bar a few weeks into her junior year and knows how he has to be feeling. She used to feel the same way when she would watch Felicity with Ben, the natural way the two of them just seemed to work together. She wanted it to be easy like that for her, but it never was. It wasn't easy for Noel either.

The way he cries reminds her a lot of the way her mother used to cry, silently and completely. The sobs encompass his whole body, working their way down from his streaked cheeks to his quaking shoulders to the pit of his stomach, held tightly by strong arms. He doesn't hide his tears. He isn't ashamed of his sadness. Whatever Noel feels, he feels it out loud. There is something to admire about that.

Julie has had a lot of things to cry about in her life, but she mostly just keeps them inside. It makes her feel a little more okay with herself to see Noel being so expressive in the open. She used to be like that when she younger, back before she found her biological father and found out that she was nothing more than a donor to him. These days, she doesn't cry as much. It feels like she is giving too much power away when she does.

And maybe that's why she doesn't need to ask why he is crying. She only knows that he is and it probably has to do with Felicity because everything has to do with Felicity. That somehow makes it worse for her because she doesn't know that the wayward curly-haired girl is really worth shedding tears about. Julie has cried more than her fair share of tears at the hands of her old friend. She pretends that she has forgiven Felicity and so does Noel, but she suspects that they never really got over the way freshman year ended and wasn't really sure that they ever would.

Noel wipes at his eyes with the back of his hands and then swipes at his nose with his shirt sleeve. There are a few sniffles and as big sigh as he struggles to regain his composure. And then she hears that telling gulp, the one where you choke on a sob and do your best to keep that second wave of tears from falling. That's the moment that breaks her heart.


	3. Elena Yells

Elena Yells

Sean hates the sound of yelling. It probably goes back to when he was a kid and his parents used to fight over the smallest things, turning their house into a full-out warzone where no one was safe and no one was victorious. It used to leave him feeling literally sick at the stomach. That's the same kind of yelling that Elena does when she is angry.

It always starts of slowly, this kind of buildup where you can see it coming but you can't look away. And then there is the climax, the turning point where she goes from the calm, studious, rational Elena to the red-eyed monster who can't see straight. Sean isn't always sure that everyone else sees her this way, but that's definitely how he imagines it. That kind of reaction to stress can't be good for a future doctor.

She is angry now and rightfully so, her heart splattered all over the sidewalk at the hands of a betrayal of her boyfriend. He sees the fire and passion in her dark eyes and know that it's more about being hurt than being angry. It's the same way he felt after the rejection of Julie and he wouldn't wish that kind of heartache on his biggest enemy, let alone one of his closest friends.

The girls are circled around him, Elena's braid buried among Felicity's curls and Megan's mahogany tendrils and Julie's mousy brown hair. He admires the way girls can do that, step up when they need to physically gather around their friends. But in the next breath, he has to admire the way Elena breaks free of that and lets loose on the uncomfortable silence hanging in the cold New York air.

Her breath comes out in fast spurts, leaving behind the ghost of her words visible in the air. She uses a complex pattern of speech as she lays into Tracy, relentless in her verbal attack. The man cowers in her reign of vocal terror, never once finding the courage to meet her eyes. This only makes her that much powerful. Sean is awestruck by the courage of her conviction, but he knows that it's mostly just a front. Her yell is only a reaction to the little part of her heart that just died inside.

That leaves him feeling cold and lonely, and there isn't anything he can do. He's as trapped, as mesmerized, as Tracy is, and he isn't even part of it. She is toe-to-toe with her boyfriend, in his face and refusing to back down. Sean wants to pull them apart and stop her from doing something she'll regret. He somehow knows it won't seem as worth it in the morning.

Elena finally gives up and turns to walk away, her head hung and her arms crossed protectively over her chest. Sean sees the sadness in her eyes as she passes him by, nodding slightly in acknowledgement as Felicity runs after her to catch up. She pretends to be unaffected by it all, but Sean sees right through it just like he used to see how much it bothered his own mother. And just like then, he feels a little bit sick at just how ugly Elena's yell could get.


	4. Megan Laughs

Megan Laughs

Megan rarely laughs, but when she does, it seems completely worth it. Elena has been waiting for it all year, their first away from home and at college. Felicity's mysterious, undeniably weird roommate has been something of an enigma to her. She only seems to exist at the most inconvenient times, and she always insists on being a nuisance. It seems unimaginable that anything could ever make her giddy enough to laugh until one day when she just lets an uncharacteristic giggle loose before it turns into a belly-clenching laugh.

It starts out stifled, and Elena isn't sure if it's a cry or a scream or a laugh at first. Megan's hands fly to cover her mouth, her eyes wide with shock as her body shakes with whatever she is trying to swallow back down. And then she lets her hands fall to her side uselessly as it overtakes her entire frame, finally succumbing to the rare moment of uninhibited happiness. She seems satisfied, almost glad, when the first note of her hearty laugh finally makes it out into the open air.

Megan goes on like this for a full five minutes, enjoying the sound of her own chuckle and doing so unapologetically. She ignores the curious stares and the annoyed snorts as people pass by. She is happy as always to just be Megan without having to explain herself. No one else needs to know what has piqued her interest enough to provide such a moment. She is perfectly content to just have it and to have it alone.

Elena watches her in fascination as she tosses her head back and her dyed hair falls across her eyes. Megan doesn't seem to notice or care. She just laughs longer, harder, deeper until she is gulping for air to just breathe. It's almost as if giving up life would be worth it if only for her to have this moment.

In the middle of what was otherwise a very bad day, Elena finds that the laughter is contagious and she herself soon joins in. Megan looks at her with surprise for a moment before setting off another fit of giggles that has her literally doubled over on the couch. Richard is gawking at them both from the doorway of the lounge, but Elena can't find it in herself to care. It's freeing to laugh like Megan. It was a little lesson in how to live.

Elena remembers the laugh a few years later when she leaves Tracy at the later and needs to just smile again. All it takes is one cheesy joke to set Megan off, and Elena gets to bury herself in the bliss of that contagious laugh. It is comforting, a little moment she can wrap around her like a security blanket. There is nothing but happiness in Megan's laugh, and when she needs it most, it gives Elena a lifeline to hold onto.


	5. Sean Paces

Sean Paces

Noel sits in the loft and notices the worth path in the rug, the sure-tell sign that Sean is nervous about something. He can hear the short staccato of his footsteps as he makes his way across the floor. He can see the seemingly casual swing of his arms as he stops, pivots and then crosses back through the room. He can hear his even breathing and how he'll cover his face once in awhile. It's all there.

It's the same every time and has been from the first time Noel watched Sean worry over something. It was the stupid documentary back then, that supposed reality project for the Independent Film Channel that never really went anywhere. His dorm room hadn't been the most convenient setting for the pacing, but Noel had tried to focus on the title animation he was working on. Still, the _swish, swish, swish_ of Sean's Nikes across the wooden floor had been present that night and had become all-too common ever since.

It's a little more frantic this time because it seems like it really matters. He's a husband now, a privder for this whole other person. He is responsible for taking care of Megan, and that means that at least one of his stupid inventions has to pan out. Noel can see it weighing on Sean's shoulders. The poor man is even hunched over by it. And still, with all that weight on his back, he never once slows his pacing. He just keeps on keepin' on.

It doesn't really surprise Noel that Sean is as dedicated as he is to the pacing. It's kind of how he approaches everything. Whether it is survival kits for incoming freshmen and panic-stricken students during finals or the next big breakfast cereal or condiment, Sean is focused on making his mark in the world. Noel knows that this time matters more because there are expectations. It's not even his wife that is putting pressure on him but her parents. There is a shadow he needs to crawl out of, a reputation he has to live up to.

Noel is trying to focus on his senior thesis, the big final project that culminates his entire college career. And yet, nothing seems as important as watching Sean make the same trek over and over again. He's always loved an underdog, and really, the entire gang is rooting for him. They want Sean to succeed, to finally get the patent that is going to change his life. Noel catches Megan's eye and smiles as a look of understanding passes between them. They all really need for him to get this.

It will be at least two hours before the call comes and when it finally does, Sean continues to pace while he is on the phone. Noel is the only one there then, with Megan at her afternoon English lit class. He comes down from the loft and watches his roommate make his usual path across the apartment floor. And when Sean hangs up the phone and Megan comes through the front door, Noel watches a brilliant smile light his face as he makes one more trip back across and straight into her waiting arms.


	6. Julie Sings

Julie Sings

When Julie sings, there isn't a person left in the room that doesn't feel her emotion. Megan hates her music and doesn't even really care for the girl herself. She is Felicity's annoying little friend, the one who thinks she is a lot tougher than she really is. Megan doesn't really have any respect for a girl like that. At least Elena lives up to her hardshell demeanor. Julie is nothing more than a mouse most of the time, a simpleton pest not worth noticing in the grand scheme of the world.

But when she sings, even Megan has to admit that people sit up a little straighter and take notice. She has a way of captivating an audience, catching them off guard and pulling them in. Just a girl armed with a guitar, she can do magic behind the microphone. Guys seem most affected by it, with the likes of Ben and Sean among just some of the casualties of her limelight allure. It's like she can be who she really is when she's on stage, not afraid of the repercussions that come with living without limits.

Felicity is her roommate and tries to bond with her. Megan hates that almost as much as she hates Julie's music. She isn't sure why she agrees to come to the open mic night during their sophomore year, but she finds herself in the back of Epstein's Bar. She figures the performance will be as lame as Julie is, and it kills her to have to admit that Julie has any talent at all. Like she said, she hates her music, but she can't hate on the power of her presence. Julie has a gift.

Julie is stripped down when she sings. Gone is the silly sparkly eyeshadow from those lame chain stores at the mall that she insists is trendy and the ridiculous baby tees and the inane pigtails. Instead, her hair is loose and her feet are bare. It is just a girl and a guitar and a wooden stool. She sings with her eyes closed, her face turned up toward the spotlight. She lets everything radiate through her soft chords and even softer words.

And when she finally breaks into the chorus, a driving quartet of lines that completely changes the direction of the song, her eyes fly open and she makes an intense connection with the crowd that Megan can't exactly put into words. It is just her and this one person she finds in the audience, a stranger whose eyes lock with her until she slips back into another verse. It's a special gift that only the best performers in history seem to have and Megan hates to see it wasted on her.

After she is done and the crowd is clapping, Julie slips from the stool without even as much as a small bow. She slings the guitar over her shoulder and reaches for the bottle of water Felicity's other annoying friend is offering her and doesn't really say much to anyone. She is still in the haze of the song, of the crowd, of the affair she is having with her music. And that's what Megan has to admire the most, as much as it kills her, because it is authentic. It is real, more real than anything else could ever be about the mousy brunette.


	7. Ben Sleeps

Ben Sleeps

Quiet and intimate, this is her favorite part of being in a relationship. Her fascination with watching him sleep started on their road trip across the country on those countless nights spent in dive motel rooms or the occasional afternoon nap from the passenger seat of the car. She could do it for hours, counting his breaths and watching the steady rise and fall of his toned chest. All the turmoil stops in those stolen moments. It's just simple.

Not a lot between them is easy. From the way they started out by betraying two people that mattered to them to fighting Ben's preconceived urges after they finally found a way to make it work, their beginnings were sordid at best and completely disastrous at worst. She spent the next three years trying to salvage what she found that summer alone with him. They were perfect when it was just the two of them and maybe that's why she loves watching him sleep. That's something that is just hers.

He doesn't snore or talk in his sleep. He doesn't really move around or breathe too loudly. There isn't much turning or tossing, and he never startles her with an arm across her face when he shifts around in bed. He just sleeps peacefully on his side of the bed, always the left side, with his body turned a little bit toward hers. He likes to keep the blankets up around his chin, prefers the room to be a little on the cooler side and goes out like a light as soon as his head hits the pillow. It's the same every time and Felicity likes that she can count on it. It brings her a sense of normalcy, a kind of consistency between their many breakups and makeups. It is Felicity's only true home.

Ben will catch her every once in awhile, mumbling at her without opening his eyes sometimes or peering up at her behind hooded lashes while imploring her to stop staring. Felicity likes these moments too because they remind her how well he knows her. Sometimes she thinks he has always known her, even before he really _knew_ her, but she knows that doesn't really make sense. They never spoke more than two words to each other before high school graduation, and now she can't imagine a version of life that doesn't include him and her together like this.

She watches him now as he dozes, the baby resting his head on his shoulder, and Felicity knows that they sleep just the same. They have the same little smile on their lips when they have a good dream and breathe in and out with the same little short puffs of air. They both like to curl their hands around her index fear when they are falling asleep and never wake up to loud sounds.

They are father and son in every sense of the word, but she is not a mother at all. She is a part of the family though, the heart, Ben always insists to her. That's why she is happy when he wakes up and opens his arms to her. Felicity smiles as she finds home all over again in his arms. That's how their whole started after all, just a boy and a girl and a smile.


End file.
